


Unlovable

by small_blue_owl



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley First Kiss (Good Omens), Comforting Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley is Bad at Feelings (Good Omens), Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Holding Hands, Hurt Crowley (Good Omens), Insecure Crowley (Good Omens), M/M, Post-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), Self-Hatred, The Night At Crowley's Flat (Good Omens), they are both idiots but god do they love each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 04:27:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29993874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/small_blue_owl/pseuds/small_blue_owl
Summary: It wasn’t over.The world would live to see another day. The end was not as close as they had thought.But it wasn’t over.The wrath of Heaven and Hell had been evoked and now they would be punished. Maybe the end was closer than they thought.~*~
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	Unlovable

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This was so fun to write. Ugh. They are so adorable. Anyway, hope you enjoy.

**…~*~…**

It wasn’t over.

The world would live to see another day. The end was not as close as they had thought.

But it wasn’t over.

The wrath of Heaven and Hell had been evoked and now they would be punished. Maybe the end was closer than they thought.

The filtered light from the street feebly lit the inside of Crowley’s flat, making strange shadows on the walls. They had been silent a long time. The reality of what had happened and what inevitably would, was slowly and painfully sinking into their minds. The prophesy had been given up on some time ago and vines of impossibility were growing like ivy, choking their hope.

A single word kept running through Aziraphale’s mind. _Last, last, last… Last night. Last hour. Last moment…_

The angel slowly turned to look at the demon beside him. _Last look. Last…_

_Last chance…_

Regret leeched into his chest, constricting his heart. He had always feared that he would be too cowardly and wait too long.

_Last…last…last…_

He brought his hand to his mouth in an effort to force back a sob. He shut his eyes as he cursed himself. He had always been terrified of going too fast. Yet he had not considered that he had gone too slow.

The demon looked up.

“Angel?”

Aziraphale started slightly. He pressed a hand to his eyes as though that could stop the tears that were already building there.

“It’s nothing, Crowley,” he managed with a poor attempt at a smile, “It’s really nothing, I just…” Here he glanced up at Crowley’s face. A pair of golden eyes met his and the angel felt his guard slip down a bit. Something in Crowley’s unhidden eyes had a strange power over him. Why did the demon have to be so beautiful?

“I’m just scared,” confessed Aziraphale, softly, _of losing you forever,_ he wanted to add.

“Yeah,” whispered Crowley, a dark cast to his voice, “I’m scared too.”

Silence slipped back between them.

Aziraphale could feel his courage wavering and so decided to speak before it had completely ebbed away.

“Crowley. If this really is the last…” The tears took over his voice and he barely managed the rest of the sentence. “If this… in case this is the…last time I see you…I wanted you to…to know that…that I…”

Somehow the words disintegrated before he could speak them. He had crushed these words for so long that he didn’t even know what it would be like for them to be set free. A part of him still screamed that they were dangerous, that he couldn’t say those words, that they would be the death of them both. But the angel could feel the love building in his heart, and the tears building in his eyes, and Crowley was _looking_ at him with those intoxicating eyes and it was all too much. He took one attempt at a steadying breath and spoke—in such a soft voice that had the rest of the room not been perfectly silent, it would have been inaudible—the words he had longed to say since the beginning of time.

“I…I love you, Crowley.”

The demon froze.

His mind sputtered, tried to process the words, failed, and shut down completely. One word was flying through his mind at the speed of light: _love, love, love…_ Aziraphale loved him. It was too much for his brain to process. It was almost too good to be true and…oh.

Oh.

The bird of hope that had been captive in his heart for so long had seen a paradise and eagerly flown towards it only to be knocked out of the air as it collided with the reflected paradise on the glass surface of impossibility.

He cursed himself for letting it fly, for letting himself hope. Of course it wasn’t true. Love meant something different to Aziraphale than it did to him. Being surrounded by love, the angel thought little of it. Being surrounded by the absence of love, those little words caused the demon’s heart to sing. To the angel love was trivial, common. To Crowley it was anything but.

“I am so sorry,” breathed the angel dejectedly, “I really should have said this sooner, but I love you so very much and—”

“Aziraphale, stop.”

Crowley’s voice was hoarse and bitter. “Stop. You…you don’t know what you’re saying.”

Aziraphale’s face clouded with confusion. “I do know what I’m saying,” he replied softly. “I love you, Crowley.”

The demon winced, his face contorted in pain. Those words that should have filled him with joy burned worse than consecrated ground, worse than holy water.

“No, Aziraphale. No, you don’t. You _can’t,_ ” he said, a harsh emphasis on the last word.

Aziraphale shuddered as he felt the self-hatred and sadness pouring from the words. “And why not?” he asked carefully, fearful that he might say something wrong.

But the angel’s gentle tone only hurt Crowley more. He choked back a sob and shut his eyes, unable to meet the angel’s pure, unwavering gaze.

“Isn’t it obvious?” he snapped, but behind the bitterness there was a despair that had been drowning his heart for centuries. “I’m…I’m _me._ I’m a demon. I’m a repulsive creature that was cast out of Heaven. I’m worthless. I’m too broken to be fixed. I don’t deserve to be loved. Unlovable. That’s what I _am._ ”

Crowley’s shoulders dropped and he seemed to wilt as though the words had taken all his strength. Tears shone on his cheeks and he still couldn’t meet Aziraphale’s gaze.

“And it’s…it isn’t… Fuck. It’s not that I don’t want you say those words,” murmured the demon, much softer, “I just…I just wish you meant them is all.”

Silence hung like fog. Thick and palpable and blinding.

The angel felt at a loss of what to say. Crowley didn’t believe him, and he had no idea what to say that would change that. Words had always been important to Aziraphale, and so he used words to reach others. Yet here words were not enough. Aziraphale needed to speak to the demon in the language that would mean something to him. Maybe now was not the time for words.

Aziraphale gently, almost cautiously reached out and placed a hand on Crowley’s wrist. The demon flinched at the contact and Aziraphale almost drew his hand away. He was holding something delicate. If he made a mistake, it would shatter in his hands.

A moment passed where neither spoke. Crowley tried very hard not to move a mere few inches and take the angel’s hand. He didn’t want to let himself go one step down that road, not if he would be forced to retrace those same steps.

Then, very gently, Aziraphale moved his hand from the demon’s wrist and carefully entwined their fingers. Crowley couldn’t help a little gasp at the warmth of the angel’s hand in his own. He wouldn’t, no _couldn’t_ let himself revel in this feeling, as much as he wanted to. He didn’t dare open his heart any further, make himself any more breakable and vulnerable to the rejection he knew would come.

“Crowley.” The angel’s voice was calm. “My dear, my love, my precious, precious demon.” Crowley shattered a little with each endearment. “I love you. And I do mean what I say.”

Oh how Crowley wanted to believe. He shut his eyes again to keep them from getting lost looking at the angel. When he spoke, his voice was rough and quiet.

“I don’t mean the love you feel for all living things. That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Neither am I.”

Crowley dared to glance up at the angel.

What he saw there astounded him.

There was such love in Aziraphale’s eyes. Not the kind of love that all angels bestow on creation but something more, something constant.

Something _human._

And not only that; this love was being given to _him._ It still felt too good to be true. It felt too wonderful and perfect to be anything but another cruel dream that he would wake up from because that’s what always happened. He would dream of this paradise only to have it dissolve and the tears would shake him as reality crept back in.

“Angel,” he breathed, “Are you…Is this…this isn’t just the love you feel for everything?”

Aziraphale shook his head, reaching out to take Crowley’s other hand clasping it in his own.

“I _adore_ you, Crowley,” the angel whispered. “Not in the way that I love all creation but more than that. Angels feel an unbiased love towards everything, yes. This isn’t that. I have never felt this way towards any other being in the world. You mean everything to me. I want to protect you, I want to treasure you the way you deserve to be treasured, I want to keep you near me forever. I do not say this lightly. I truly and sincerely love you more than anything in all the universe.”

And Crowley wept.

The glass shattered and the bird flew up, up towards the paradise that was no longer forbidden, no longer a reflection. He collapsed, sobbing, as all the fettered love that had been hated and denied flooded his heart. Aziraphale caught the demon in his arms and gently pulled him close. Crowley finally let himself be held, let himself be loved, and let himself _believe_. The tides of emotions that had been shut up for so long shook him so much that he feared he would be torn to pieces just from the joy of it all.

Crowley had never felt like he fit anywhere. He asked too many questions to stay in Heaven, he wasn’t evil enough for Hell, he couldn’t fit into humanity. Not in his wildest dreams could he have thought that here, in Aziraphale’s arms, _here_ was where he belonged.

Aziraphale had been whispering soothing words to him all the while and holding him close so gently that the demon feared his heart might break from the sheer affection of it. No one had ever cared for the demon before, and he couldn’t get over how wonderful it felt.

After not nearly enough time, Aziraphale loosened his hold on the demon, drawing back and gazing into his eyes. Crowley couldn’t help the little rush of happiness that filled him as the angel smiled. A soft, angelic hand came up to cradle his face and Crowley melted at the touch.

“My love,” murmured the angel softly, “May I…may I kiss you? I have wanted to for some time and—”

The sentence died there as Crowley closed the space between them and softly kissed Aziraphale the way he had wanted to for millennia. The angel smiled against his lips and Crowley felt a tear slip down his cheek. But they were not tears of sadness, or anger, or fear. They were tears of joy and tears of safety and tears of happiness. For the first time in six thousand years, the demon felt complete and safe and cherished and loved, and he never wanted this to end.

A single word was still running through Aziraphale’s mind. _Last, last, last…_

Only this time it was in a different sense. _Let this last. Please don’t let this end. I want this to last forever._

This kiss can’t last forever, but it will not be the last. Prophecies will be deciphered, plans will be made, trust will be given, and they will save each other. Their trials will be over, and they will be free at last.

**…~*~…**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> If you liked it, kudos and comments are much appreciated.


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